


Attachments

by faithinthepoor



Series: Once Upon a Time [37]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 11:03:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1223896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Lost Girl</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attachments

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows my [Fairytale Drabbles](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618763), [Mirror Mirror](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618771), [This Provincial Life](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618775), [Viviane or Nimue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618809), [Dreams and Wishes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618851), [All the Better To….](http://archiveofourown.org/works/619484), [Magic Keys](http://archiveofourown.org/works/619497), [Curiouser and Curiouser](http://archiveofourown.org/works/619514), [Snow Blind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/620280), [Spinning Straw](http://archiveofourown.org/works/620288), [Wooden Hearts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/621128), [Poisoned](http://archiveofourown.org/works/622526), [True Love and Other Curses](http://archiveofourown.org/works/625038), [Spellbound](http://archiveofourown.org/works/628806), [Over the Rainbow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/630076), [Facades](http://archiveofourown.org/works/632227), [Lost Girls](http://archiveofourown.org/works/636939), [Monstrosities](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640162), [Love and Lies](http://archiveofourown.org/works/652912), [Something Wicked this Way Comes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/665458), [Dreamscapes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/672345), [Homecomings](http://archiveofourown.org/works/676052), [Test Match](http://archiveofourown.org/works/682287), [Wishful Thinking](http://archiveofourown.org/works/697330), [Absent Friends](http://archiveofourown.org/works/771482), [Small Mercies](http://archiveofourown.org/works/773663), [State of Mind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/778498), [Good Intentions](http://archiveofourown.org/works/802589), [The Sins of Mothers](http://archiveofourown.org/works/820893), [Affairs of the Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/855926), [Power Plays](http://archiveofourown.org/works/942825), [Future Plans](http://archiveofourown.org/works/969035), [Crying Wolf](http://archiveofourown.org/works/982369), [The Eye of the Storm](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1004056), [Doomsday Devices](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1155836) and [Villains](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1191873)

She fought sleep for as long as she could but in the end she lost the battle. She told herself they were in danger and that she needed to stay awake but the truth was that she was afraid to sleep. Her less than comfortable bed roll, and the rocks on the ground that seemed to dig into her no matter how she positioned herself, should have worked to her advantage but apparently her fatigue outweighed not only her fear but also her discomfort. 

The land of dreams brought her to a forest clearing where no rock were trying to pierce her skin and that alone should have made it infinitely more preferable than their makeshift camp but she would have given anything to be back lying on the hard ground because this place was far more frightening. It may have looked idyllic but this spot had the potential to be emotionally devastating. She hoped and prayed that she was alone, that distance was the key to the dreams, but she wasn’t that lucky. Her dream self surveyed the area with caution and to her horror she turned around and came face to face with the one person that she didn’t want to see.

Regina was sitting on a boulder and rolled her eyes in response to Emma’s arrival.

“Nice to see you too,” Emma snapped.

“You are the bitch in this scenario, Emma, you do not get to act like the aggrieved party.”

“I’m not trying to make this difficult for you.”

“Of course you’re not. You are a saint Emma. After all, you want us to be fucking friends.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” she told Regina and her heart constricted at the thought

Regina shot her a look that made Emma want to duck and cover but the brunette's voice was calm as she said, “Then you shouldn’t have thrown me away. I don’t want to be your friend Emma.”

“What do you want?”

“You know what I want but that’s not an option, so I guess what I want is to be left alone.”

“I will do my best but it’s not going to be easy given our current situation.”

“It hurts having to see you all the time.” Regina was literally squirming. It clearly cost her to have to admit to weakness but Emma couldn’t allow herself to be swayed by that. 

“And you have been doing your best to let everyone know that you're hurting, haven’t you? You have been even more bitchy than usual. I honestly didn’t think that was possible.”

“What’s wrong Emma? Are you worried that someone will notice and ask some questions that will make you uncomfortable?”

“Hardly,” she scoffed. “They wouldn’t notice. They always see you as a mega bitch.”

“But you notice?” Regina asked softly.

“How could I not,” she replied.

Regina dropped her head, “It’s not why I’m acting like this. I'm not trying to get attention."

“I know,” she took a step towards Regina.

“I’m not very good at managing a broken heart. I never have been.”

“I know that too,” she had continued to move closer to Regina and she was now within touching distance but Emma was fairly certain that her touch would not be welcome. Emma’s smart enough to know that a wounded Regina is a dangerous Regina.

Regina closed her eyes and blew air through her lips, “I am trying to contain my emotions, I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Emma told her, “but I am pretty sure that there are some mermaids who suffered more of your wrath than they should have.”

Regina’s features twisted into a snarl, “I only wish there had have been more of them to hurt. I was so angry. I really did want to skin that fish bitch alive.”

It's always a little disconcerting to realise that when it comes to Regina such words are not ideal threats. Regina meant what she said and she has probably done so much worse. Not for the first time Emma found herself wishing that she had never broken the curse. She wished that she didn’t have to know these things about Regina and she really, really wished that she didn’t know just how little Regina’s past bothers her. 

If it’s possible she loves Regina more since the curse broke. Regina may have had her memories but the curse still stopped her from acting like herself. When the curtain fell and she saw the real Regina it erased some of the barriers between them, it made them closer, which made it so much crueller to know that they don’t have a future. She could not focus on that injustice because it would leave her paralysed, she needed to pay attention to the conversation at hand, “Well that little mermaid trick of yours nearly got us all killed.”

“And as I recall you nearly killed yourself trying to save everybody.”

“I didn’t have a choice. I am the saviour after all," she said with a small shrug. 

“So when you do it, you are the saviour but when I do it I’m a self-sacrificing bitch who is leaving you all alone?” There was fire bubbling in Regina’s eyes and Emma knew they were on deadly ground.

“It’s not the same.”

“Why?”

“Because of my past. Because I was always the one left alone and I don’t want to ever feel like that again.”

“Because of what I did to you, you mean?”

“You know I don’t hold you responsible for that.”

“And yet I feel like I am being punished for it.”

“I don’t mean to make you feel that way,” Emma said but she couldn’t deny that part of her was pleased that Regina was getting a taste of her own medicine.

“Exactly how was I meant to feel when you launched yourself off the boat?”

“I hate to burst your bubble but I wasn’t thinking about you at the time.”

“Well, that’s the difference between us then, because every time I was selfishly putting myself on the line I was thinking of you. I was thinking that you would live and that that would mean it was worth it. I was terrified when you dove off the ship. All I wanted to do was to save you and I couldn’t, even with my magic I couldn’t do anything to help you.”

“You wanted to save me?” Emma was honestly surprised. 

“Of course,” Regina said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Even though I hurt you?”

“You didn’t just hurt me Emma, you destroyed me, but that doesn’t mean that I want you to die.”

Her heart flipped and she reached for Regina but stopped herself before she made contact. “How did everything get so messed up?”

“Don’t ask me. I thought we were fine. I never saw this coming.”

“I wish I knew how to fix things.”

“Just take it all back,” Regina looked at her with such hope that it was heartbreaking.

She bit her lip and closed her eyes and said, “I can’t.”

Regina let out a scream and Emma felt heat fly past her head. She opened her eyes and whipped around to see the smoking remains of a tree behind her. Before she had a chance to confront Regina there were several more fireballs and a whole lot less trees. 

She didn’t say anything. She just watched Regina as the anger poured out of her. When the clearing was nothing but ash and smoke Regina turned to her and said, “I’m sorry about that.”

“No. It’s okay. This is kinda comforting in a way. You’ve been a little too calm.”

“Because I should I be losing my shit over you? What makes you think you are that important Miss Swan?”

Emma held her hands up in surrender, “We were important to me.”

“To me too,” Regina confessed and the anger seemed to have drained from her body leaving nothing but devastation in its wake. 

“So,” Emma braved a small smile, “we are technically alone right now, do you want to beat me to a pulp?”

“It’s tempting,” Regina offered a smile in return but it was half-hearted at best.

“I may not offer again.”

“I don’t need your permission to beat you.” This time Regina’s smile was more genuine.

“Well we will shall have to see about that.”

Regina raised an eyebrow and Emma expected a fiery retort but suddenly a look a fear washed over Regina’s face and her eyes darted around the clearing. “Something is here,” she whispered, “something is coming for you.”

She tried to reassure Regina by telling her that, “It is just a dream,” but Regina responded with an emphatic shake of her head and flung her hands at Emma. 

A gale force wind hit her body and the next thing she knew she was back at the camp. As she stirred she felt a wave of anger towards Regina but then she quickly realised that Regina had been right. They were not alone. 

Meeting Pan was not all that she thought it would be. He wasn’t the boy from the stories she knew but he wasn’t the monster that Hook had described either. He was a brat who dealt in mind games and she really didn’t need his crap. She already had enough to deal with. There simply isn’t time to discover yourself when you are drowning in over-involved parents, spurned lovers and lecherous pirates, and on top of that you need to find your son.

It was clear that Pan was going to be a thorn in her side and the map he left was no better. She is a woman of action. In general she solves problems with her fists and not her brain. Pan’s puzzle left her feeling impotent. Her son was in danger and instead of being able to do something to help him she was tied up in riddles. 

She knows she wasn’t the only one having difficulty dealing with the map. The map was magic and magic is Regina’s domain. It was clear that it was killing Regina not to be able to use her skills to save Henry. Frustration was spilling out of Regina and infecting everyone around her, Emma included. Their squabbling was getting out of control. She's surprised, and a little impressed, that things didn’t devolve to another brawl. Emma understood that Regina just wanted to help but she couldn’t accept assistance from her. Regina’s not hers to rely on, not anymore, and she needed to do this herself.

There are few things in her life that Emma has found as awkward as talking to the map in front of everyone. Describing herself in terms that others might use is not her idea of fun. Being a princess and the product of true love might be technically accurate descriptions but they have nothing to do with who she is. Being forced to look at herself through the eyes of others made her feel like the real her was disappearing but she has to admit that the moment when her parents wanted her to confess that she was the saviour was almost amusing. 

She may not be completely comfortable with the idea that she is the saviour but she is no less comfortable with that claim than she is with the thought that she is royalty. Besides, some prophecy deciding to call her a saviour doesn’t mean that she has to embrace it and it certainly doesn’t mean she has to be good at it. She can live with being a reluctant knight whose armour is far from shining. The saviour thing just it isn’t the big deal for her that it is for the rest of them. It was, however, a little embarrassing to call herself the saviour in front of Regina. Not because it sounds arrogant, or because it sounds like she believes she is better than Regina, but because she was fairly certain sure that 'saviour' was not the s-word that Regina wanted to call her at that moment. 

There was something that she was reluctant to tell the map but it had nothing to do with fairy tales or saviours. It was the thing that she feared was the answer to Pan's challenge but it was something that she couldn’t possibly voice in front of the others. That particular confession would hurt all of them and she felt there was no point in creating such pain when the confession was no longer attached to any joy. It was clear that the only option was to find a way to have some one on one quality time with the map.

It took some time and a ridiculous amount of begging but she was able to convince her parents to leave her alone. Their concern and their attempts to show support were killing her. They were suffocating her with kindness and it made her want to vomit. Their actions didn’t help, they just made her angry. How could the people who wanted her to proudly declare that she's the saviour be the same people who treated her like she was barely capable of standing upright without their assistance? It was getting to the stage where she was more frustrated with them than she was with the map and so she was relieved beyond words when they finally agreed to give her some peace and quiet. 

She used the opportunity of time alone to voice the thought that she believed would trigger the map. Emma whispered the one thing she couldn’t say with the others watching over her shoulder, “I’m in love with Regina Mills.” 

As usual, nothing happened, the map was as empty as ever, but Emma wasn’t at all convinced that she was on the wrong track. Based on what little she knew of Pan she assumed that there was a chance that word play would be involved in the solution to his little mind fuck and so she tried variations on the theme. She told the map that she loved the Evil Queen and when that didn’t work Emma braced herself and called Regina all the uncharitable names that she could imagine that the folk of fairy tale land had once called their ruler but that was no more effective than using Regina's actual name. She described their nocturnal, and not so nocturnal, activities and she cried when she admitted that she had broken her own heart when she broke up with Regina. Nothing moved the map, it was deaf to the very thing that Emma felt defined her at that moment, it remained blank.

In a way she was glad, she was no closer to finding Henry, but it still felt good to know that Regina wasn't the thing to trigger the map. Their relationship may have been a secret but Emma has never denied to herself that she's love with Regina. Rather than a slight, the static map actually felt like confirmation of the importance of what she had shared with Regina. It did, however, leave her with no idea what Pan was playing at. 

When the map finally did spring to life she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The words that activated the map where true, right now, on this island, she does feels like an orphan but that is hardly some deep revelation. She feels alone on this island because she is alone and because she made herself that way. She is the one who let Regina go.

Her parents are tripping over themselves to be there for her. She is the one who is pushing them away. She is pushing everyone away because she is in pain, the kind of pain that Pan apparently can’t understand.

The idea that her deep, dark secret, that the thing that she hides from herself, is that she is orphan is complete bullshit. She’d be angry if it wasn’t so ludicrous. It’s not a confession, it’s not a revelation, it’s the only truth that she has ever known. She has never failed to accept that she is an orphan, the thing that she has had great difficulty accepting is the reality that she is not. Having loving, doting parents is hard for her to deal with when every single day for twenty-eight long years it was blatantly fucking obvious that she had been abandoned.

Hook may describe Pan as a demon but he is a demon with all the intellectual sophistication of a new born baby. He also has some major problems with parents and requires some sort of therapy. Apparently Neverland is short on shrinks and so he is left to deal with his hang-ups by trying to alienate others from their parents.

He really is quite an amateur, there are things far more hurtful to her parents than learning that she feels like an orphan but because he is blinded by his own issues he is oblivious to other types of pain. If he understood more about the world he would know that if his aim was to hurt her parents there was another confession that he should have chosen. To hear her say that she is an orphan was difficult for David and Mary Margaret but to hear her admit that she was in love with Regina would have had the power to destroy them.


End file.
